Channel 5 must be ripping.
Usually the UK's fifth terrestrial channel corners the market in ropey thrillers.
Yet here's a UK political drama on Netflix that churns out frankly unbelievable plotlines and dreadful dialogue.
Written and created by Matt Charman - an Oscar nominated screenwriter no less for his work on Steven Spielberg's 'Bridge of Spies' - 'Hostage' casts Suranne Jones as a Labour-ish British Prime Minister and Julie Delpy as a conservative French President.
Jones' Oldham MP who has risen to the top job, Abigail Dalton is losing her way in the polls, thanks to tight budgets, a National Health Service drugs crisis and problems with immigration.
Meeting Delpy's President Vivienne Toussaint, who is preparing to seek re-election, it doesn't help that Abigail was caught off mic calling the French leader a handmaiden to the far right.
At a summit in Downing Street, they attempt to patch things up with a deal on immigration and drug supplies for the NHS.
However just before their scheduled press conference, word filters out that an armed gang has taken Prime Minister Dalton's husband, Ashley Thomas' Dr Alex Anderson in French Guiana where he is working for Medicins Sans Frontiers.
Taking advantage of the situation, Toussaint uses it as leverage to get a good deal for herself on immigration but then falls victim to the same forces behind the kidnapping who blackmail her over a sex scandal.
With betrayal the order of the day in both camps, who can Dalton and Toussaint truly trust?
And can they even learn to trust each other?
And while we're at it, just why is the PM's husband wandering around South America with no personal protection?
'Hostage' fancies itself as a glossy, savvy political thriller and seems to have a lot of swagger.
But that confidence is woefulky misplaced.
It may have a budget that give it a polished look but it's about as plausible as 'In The Night Garden'.
Poorly written, its cast struggles with leaden dialogue and preposterous plots, with Jones and Delpy particularly floundering in the lead roles.
Watching Delpy pout and harrumph her way through this nonsense is distressing.
It's hard to believe this is the same actress from Richard Linklater's superb 'Before' trilogy, Krzysztof Kieslowski's 'Three Colours: White' and Roger Avary's 'Killing Zoe'.
But here she is struggling to convince as a world leader, thanks to a ridiculous script.
Jones' Dalton also lacks charisma as the Prime Minister, giving the impression she is managing a benefits office and not a country.
The former 'Coronation Street' actress has to wrestle with that tired old cliche of an angry teenage daughter, Isobel Akawudike's Sylvie who just doesn't understand her mum's need to balance how she can do right by her country against doing right for her family (yawn).
Joint press conferences with Toussaint are held at a drop of a hat outside the front door of 10 Downing Street with such regularity, Dalton might as well appoint the French President to her cabinet.
Meanwhile Martin McCann's mumbling rogue British Army operative John Michael Shagan runs around causing all kinds of mischief like a heavily armed version of Dennis the Menace.
But who out of the remainder of the cast - Lucian Msamati's No 10 chief of staff Kofi Adomako, Hiftu Quasem's staffer Ayesha, Mark Lewis Jones' chief of the defence General Joseph Livingston, Jehnny Beth's secretary general of the French President's Office Adrienne Pelletier, the President's businessman husband Vincent Perez's Elias Vernier, her stepson Corey Mylchreest's Matheo Lewis and his girlfriend, Sophie Robertson's Saskia Morgan is in league with Shagan and his band of ne'er-do-wells?
Who cares?
Because 'Hostage' consistently fails to develop their characters or prove it has anything but a weak handle on how politics actually works.
What Opposition leader would be so dumb as to lambast a Prime Minister in the House of Commons over the NHS after she reveals her husband has been taken hostage?
Yet this happens in Charman's feeble drama where Zubin Varla's Oliver Bahrami displays all the empathy of an alligator.
No credible world leader would make policy on the hoof at a press conference podium like Toussaint does after high level talks with her British counterpart.
No Government bodyguard would allow a Prime Minister's daughter to burst into a situation room and witness an execution onscreen.
Yet this is what we get in a drama that directors Isabelle Sieb and Amy Neil fail to control.
Not even the presence of veteran Scottish actor James Cosmo as Dalton's terminally ill elderly father, Max can redeem it.
'Hostage' is a chocolate box drama for people who thought 'Bodyguard' and 'COBRA' were gritty and believable.
It's not a patch on the weighty, well researched political thrillers of old like Channel 4's 'A Very British Coup' and 'GBH' or BBC1's 'Edge of Darkness' or 'State of Play'.
Instead it's an incredible waste of time and money and about as gritty and believable as 'Balamory'.
Charman, Sieb and Neil's drama is not interested in reality.
They just feed their audience tired old tropes about untrustworthy politicians trying to rediscover their mojo and rogue forces in the Establishment working against the common good.
God spare us a return outing.
('Hostage' was made available for streaming on Netflix in the UK and Ireland on August 21, 2025)
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