HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW (CLEAN SWEEP)

Forget Ryan Tubridy's earnings.

The 'Clean Sweep' beard is the RTE controversy everyone should be talking about.

I mean, who in their right mind thought actor Adam Fergus should sport such weird, unnatural looking facial hair?

It's so shockingly bad it feels like a breach of human rights.

Haven't a clue what I'm blethering on about?

Then feast your eyes on Exhibit A in the photo below.

Fergus' beard is the first of many unintentionally comical disguises deployed during 'Clean Sweep' - a relentlessly silly, po faced Irish thriller that for some bizarre reason has been picked up by BBC4.

Over the course of six episodes, Charlene McKenna's middle class mum with a past gets to don some ridiculous outfits.

Early on, she is forced to dress like a garden gnome who's a part time assassin.

Later, she manages to spy on detectives investigating the murder she's been involved in by donning a baseball cap, coat and blue marigold gloves that just screams 'covert surveillance taking place by the guilty party'.

'Clean Sweep' starts with McKenna's Shelly Mohan scrubbing something red and sticky out of her clothes in her utility room.

It's not strawberry jam from all those cakes she's been baking for the Parent Teachers Association (PTA) - food, by the way, is the show's other big obsession.

No. It's blood from an old criminal associate who's been stalking her in the aisles of her local supermarket.

Adam Fergus' Londoner, Charlie Lynch - for it is he - has finally tracked her down years after she left him in the English capital following the murder of a Belfast drug dealer.

The weird beard he has on his face is half Ronnie Drew, half badger's arse.

However Shelly clocks who he is when he confronts her in the supermarket car park.

A former lover who has found Jesus - presumably not in the chilled meats section - Charlie arranges to meet her in her local ropey hotel.

However when he threatens to expose their murderous past, she winds up shooting him and using her very particular set of cleaning skills to eradicate much of the evidence but not all of it.

But get this.

Shelly's hubbie, Barry Ward's Jason Mohan is a detective hoping for a promotion and he and his no nonsense colleague Jeanne Nicole Ní Áinle's Fiona Uba are assigned to - yes, that's right - the investigation into Charlie's murder.

Lucky for Shelly, Jason clearly works for one of the most inept Garda stations in the country.

He's so clueless, the poor man regularly keeps his wife abreast of developments in the investigation, briefing her almost as much as his superior, Luke Griffin's Superintendent Colin O'Connor.

This means she is able to keep six steps ahead of Jason and his colleagues - replacing and destroying evidence despite making mistakes at the crime scene.

He is good at drinking coffee and eating sandwiches, though.

However with Cathy Belton's Metropolitan Police DCI Gwen Crichett also alerted to Lynch's death, will Shelly's chequered past in the English capital come to light?

And with DCI Crichett's boss, Steve Gunn's Commissioner Garret not keen on her reopening a historic case into the killing of the drug dealer, will the police in London be able to do the job that their Irish counterparts appear to be so terrible at doing?

A co-production between RTE, ZDF Studios and Sundance Now, 'Clean Sweep' has been created by the American writer, producer and cinematographer Gary Teiche whose credits include penning episodes of the Patricia Arquette show 'Medium,' the AMC supernatural adventure series 'Preacher' with Dominic Cooper and Ruth Negga and Amazon Prime's short-lived TV version of 'I Know What You Did Last Summer'.

He also has Fran Harris on board who up to now has built a decent reputation writing episodes for RTE's west of Ireland drugs drama 'North Sea Connection' which also made it to BBC4 and BBC1's excellent Belfast police drama 'Blue Lights'.

Add into the mix the Irish director Ronan Burke of 'Red Rock' and 'Harry Wild' fame and the French Canadian filmmaker, Yves Christian Fournier whose credits include the Quebec series 'Blue Moon' and the reality TV drama 'Sur-Vie' with Pamela Anderson.

So why is 'Clean Sweep' so laughable?

Well, it's the writing.

Not only is the central conceit of the suburban mum hiding a dodgy past so poorly executed but all the other storylines in the show are spectacularly dull.

Jason is a womaniser who takes his family for granted and is bedding his colleague at work - yeah...

The Mohan kids are troubled. Rhys Mannion's eldest boy Derek, from Jason's previous marriage, is like a Co Wicklow version of Harry Enfield's Kevin the Teenager - my eyes are feeling heavy..

Katelyn Rose Downey's camogie playing Caitlin is bullied for being self conscious about her first period, while the youngest child Aidan McCann's Niall is a genius who's being picked on on the school bus for suffering from cystic fibrosis - I'm stifling a yawn...

Then there's the dishy American crime writer and blogger, Trevor Kaneswaran's Matt who befriends Shelly through the PTA but is just a little too friendly - yeah, I'm really struggling now to remain conscious...

Matt and Shelly also have to put up too with Aoibheann McCann's bitchy PTA Queen Bee Katie Ryan, the mother of Niall's bully - was I snoring? I beg your pardon...

There are regular riveting conversations about what breakfast the Mohans are going to have or what they're going to make for their tea.

One pivotal scene is crafted around Shelly turning up in the Garda station with that night's chicken curry in some tupperware.

The commitment to suburban realism is mind boggling.

A subplot about Jason and Fiona breaking up a sex trafficking ring run by a Latvian crime boss trudges along in an exhausted fashion.

And while it is slickly shot in Scandi noir blue by cinematographer David Grennan, 'Clean Sweep' is by far the weakest show to be added to BBC4's roster of Saturday night European thrillers.

Experienced Irish actors like McKenna, Ward and Belton struggle to make Teiche and Harris' scripts convincing.

So what chance have some of the younger members of the cast got?

A decent central premise, ripped from real headlines, is squandered as 'Clean Sweep' reverts to tropes that seemed tired in limp Hollywood thrillers back in the 1990s.

In more assured hands, the show could have been a 'Breaking Bad' style tale of dual lives.

Instead it's dull beyond belief.

Nevertheless in the final episode, Teiche and Harris clearly angle for a follow up series and will no doubt feel their prospects have been boosted by it getting picked up by BBC4.

However audiences really should be spared.

And so should the badgers, for that matter.

('Clean Sweep' was broadcast on RTE1 in Ireland from May 14-June 18, 2023 and on BBC4 in the UK from June 29-August 23, 2023)

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HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW (CLEAN SWEEP)

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