CHANGE THE RECORD (MARRY ME)

© Universal Pictures 

What is it with Jennifer Lopez getting married in her movies?

'Selena,' 'The Wedding Planner,' 'Enough,' 'Monster In Law,' 'El Cantante,' and 'The Back Up Plan' all feature "Jenny from the Block" planning on going up the aisle.

And next year we'll see her in Jason Moore's Amazon Prime romcom 'Shotgun Wedding' with Josh Duhamel in a role that was originally earmarked for Ryan Reynolds and then Armie Hammer.

J-Lo, it would appear, is to the below average romcom what Liam Neeson is to below average action thriller.

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This year's marital shenanigans finds the Latino pop queen getting hitched to Owen Wilson's constipated looking maths teacher in Kat Coiro's 'Marry Me'.

J-Lo plays superstar Kat Valdez, a pop icon adored by millions around the globe who lives her life in the public gaze.

You'd think playing a pop queen would be a doddle for Lopez and it is.

However the script she is saddled with is risible.

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'Marry Me' is an irredeemably shallow film about a fairytale romance between a pop queen and a commonee.

It is about as convincing as Donald Trump claiming he will uphold the US Constitution.

Managed - although that's debatable - by John Bradley's mild mannered Englishman Colin Callaway, Kat has a high profile relationship with Maluma's poptastic singer Bastian.

And because she has total respect for the institution of marriage (yeah, that's sarcasm), Kat plans to tie the knot at one of her dreadful auto-tuned Madison Square Garden arena shows in front of thousands of adoring fans.

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Those fans include Sarah Silverman's lesbian teacher Parker Debbs and Chloe Coleman's Lou, the young daughter of Owen Wilson's divorced maths teacher Charlie Gilbert who they drag along to the gig.

But guess what?

During the concert, Kat is devastated to learn from a gossip website that Bastian - the rotter - has been cheating on her with her assistant, Kat Cunning's Tyra.

With her fans learning about Bastian's infidelity at the same time, she suddenly changes the script and decides to marry a random stranger.

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And guess what?

When she looks into the crowd, there's Charlie the constipated looking maths teacher holding a 'Marry Me' sign scrawled on cardboard that Parker has asked him to hold.

Before he can say "sofology", Charlie is plucked from the crowd and is exchanging vows with Kat.

As a result, the mild mannered maths teacher finds himself in the eye of a PR storm.

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And while Lou, Parker, Charlie's pupils and his fellow teachers like Stephen Wallem's Jonathan Pitts are thrilled to be rubbing shoulders with a pop queen, it's made very clear that the marriage is just showbiz, baby.

Colin, Kat's person and Bastian's people start plotti b a narrative that will get the two singers back together.

But is that what she really wants?

Because the more Kat gets to know Charlie, Lou etc, the more she likes him.

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And you know what?

The more Charlie gets to know Kat, the more he likes her.

So will true love find a way?

Eh, pass the sick bag.

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'Marry Me' is a dreadful movie which has all the depth of a Christmas cracker.

A feeble romcom, it takes itself far more seriously than should and is about as funny as a tax return.

It is as predictably safe and dull as a David Beckham soundbite.

Lopez really doesn't have to do very much but play a version of herself in a film presumably designed as a bit of an ego boost.

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Wilson coasts along doing his lazy Jimmy Stewart impersonation with only a third of that great actor's charm.

It's hard to believe watching Bradley that he was Samwell Tarly in 'Game of Thrones' as he kind of sleepwalks through his role.

The same is true for Silverman who just seems to be clocking up the hours, while Wallem is a rare lively presence the script doesn't do him or the rest of the cast any favours.

Poor old Coleman is forced to amp up the cloying cuteness in a stock kid's role, while Colombian singer Maluma's Bastian is such a knob, you wonder why Kat and her management are really all that bothered about him.

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'Tonight Show' host Jimmy Fallon makes matters worse by playing himself again in a movie and delivering unconvincing jokes.

Director Kat Coiro delivers a film that's about as plastic as the pop music in it.

She should be cursing her screenwriters John Rogers, Tami Sagher and Harper Dill for coming up with a script that is so lifeless it thinks it's a Norwegian Blue.

Although amazingly, 'Marry Me' was originally a graphic novel by Bobby Crosby before it was a movie.

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Is there really an appetite for graphic novel stories this lame?

Lopez should add 'Marry Me' to her stable of terrible romcoms and feeble romantic dramas.

The temptation is to say "change the record" to get but as long as studios like Universal Pictures keep throwing money at rubbish like this, J-Lo just keep making them.

Even though she is capable of much, much better - as she showed in 'Out of Sight' and 'Hustlers' - she seems intent on being the queen of the limp romcom.

Please Hollywood, make it stop.

('Marry Me' was released in UK and Irish cinemas on February 11, 2022)